“It’s hard to tell whether one is winning or, in fact, losing once one starts to think of oneself as a commodity, or a product, or a character, or a voice for the downtrodden. It’s called losing perspective.” - Roseanne, via Molls
This, in a way, is a big part of why it’s hard for me to make videos regularly. Other than my years teaching at the group home, the extremely modest success of Ill Doctrine is the most fulfilling experience I’ve ever had. Getting to share my little ideas with .00001% of the population never stops being awesome. But it has also taught me a lot about what making media requires of you, or more precisely: what making oneself into media, what sustaining oneself as a media product, requires of you.
The more steadily I keep at it, the harder it is to feel certain it’s a healthy activity. Sustaining that belief, keeping it on an even keel, requires such a firmly grounded sense of self, and rigorous self-awareness. On a good day I can trick myself into believing I have those qualities. But it’s hard to string those good days together without running out of tricks, and succumbing to that “why did I think I could do this?” Wile E Coyote moment.
So I guess, according to what I just typed out, the challenge of creative work is: how do you stay grounded enough to keep from noticing there’s no ground under your feet? Okay maybe I need to keep working on that one.